Because even those living with those of us w/medical issues have NO CLUE what we feel, go thru, or need! They try, but it’s almost impossible to explain what’s going on, what helps, and what we need.
Medical professionals ask often if we have suicidal thoughts. My standard answer was, “Homicidal, YES, but I’d never put my family thru the TRAUMA of suicide.” Besides, I’d hate to have to explain to God why I thought my timing was better than His.
But YES, we think about GOING HOME where we’re no longer handicapped or hurting, and can dance and run and play on the beach and hear and ….. Dying is my FRIEND!! Living like this is true HELL, and I’m glad I KNOW THAT JESUS PAID FOR MY SINS AND PROMISES ETERNAL LIFE W/O MEDICAL ISSUES WITH HIM!! I truly can’t imagine someone w/o that hope surviving stuff like this for long.
People tell me I’m strong! LOL! LOL! LOL! I’m a whiney baby who screams at God to “MAKE IT STOP!!!” then focuses on praying healing Scriptures over Will and others I know who need it. I don’t think that’s “strong” as much as stubborn! If the devil is stupid enough to attack me every 30 minutes for 90 seconds, he’ll get beat up during that time!! And I don’t fight fair! I use the POWERFUL WORD OF GOD to whoop his sorry butt! (pun intended!)
So to recap for those of you who aren’t crazy enough to read all my posts:
Nerve Pain Attacks: NPA’s: demon w/vice grip crushing my tailbone, then making me sit in vat of hot acid and shooting hot acid up my rear. Radiates to right sciatic nerve lately, which is EXCRUCIATING and NOTHING HELPS! Rolling off of that side diminishes it a bit, but doesn’t stop it.
Source: “Tumor” in spine, which is just a lump of fibrous “scar tissue” (from what?!?!?!!) Nerve damage from tumor and two different surgeries by two different neurosurgeons to remove. Nope!
Ancillary casualties:
legs basically “Paralyzed”: minimal feeling/movement; right leg/foot are GONE! (Was actually able to stand and walk until about January of this year, when nerve damage progressed)
Bladder & bowel control lost: self cath and wait for gravity to pull out poop. Not fun. Poop in bowels pushes on damaged nerves/”tumor” and HURTS!
DEAF: Hearing loss progressed as Lasix robbed me of all hearing: two FAILED (miserably!) Cochlear Implants left me w/HORRIFIC VERTIGO and worse Tinnitus. No solutions. Use notes app w/microphone for Drs/nurses to talk to me and to visit w/family. Miss MOST of conversations cuz only picks up if CLOSE and hates male voices!
I SOOO APPRECIATE THOSE WHO MAKE SURE I’M IN THE LOOP! Makes me MADDDDD when medical folks talk to hubby or daughter and not me! I’m the Patient! They are not! I can’t hear what they’re saying and have to correct them often cuz they are NOT LIVING IN MY BODY!
If that sounds angry, know that it’s ongoing frustration w/no solutions in sight!
No captions on most church services (despite the fact that they insist there are captions!), and those w/signs don’t help me. I know enough sign to do church songs, Lord’s prayer, a few simple phrases, but learned that all while in college. Only one family member knows sign, and she’s better than I am, so it doesn’t help much! Reading captions on TV is TEDIOUS and leaves you with a headache and annoyance that you can’t watch the facial expressions or action cuz you have to read the words!
Ok: I think I’m done venting for awhile! Today was a VERY ROUGH, PAINFUL DAY, so consider this my retaliation for that.
And THANK YOU, FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAT HAVE COME TO VISIT AND HARASS ME!! And brought me food and cute things to brighten my day! And thank you, Son, for telling me the All Star Game was on! Nothing dramatic, but I’ve missed baseball.
Wynne Loveless Writes 